A MI MADRE | TO MY MOTHER
by Nicole Vanden Broeck from Los Angeles, CA
To my mother is a compilation of 8mm video recordings documented in the mid-90s that reflect on the efforts of motherhood. The footage was mainly captured by Rosa María Macias, my mother. The only sequence she appears in was recorded by my father, Dominique Vanden Broeck. The images take place in Mexico.
I’ve been living far away from her since 2017. I left home to pursue a master’s degree in the US, so I was always too busy to go further than a phone call on Mother’s Day. Ever since we’ve been apart, the celebration had been reduced to that. And perhaps a photo post in the impersonal universe of social media, something my mother isn’t even a part of. So maybe my friends knew I had a beautiful mom, but did she know? Did I ever tell her?
This year, after the pandemic quarantined us and all we have is time, I wanted to try and make that day a bit more special than the past couple of years. I found some digitalized 8mm videotapes in my hard drive, so I thought I’d look for fragments of her and assemble a short piece. After going through almost three hours of footage, I could barely find any images of her. But I kept hearing her voice in every clip. She was always asking questions, always filled with selfless curiosity, always putting in the time.
I’m 32 years old and becoming a mother is a subject that has been feeling closer lately. When I was young I was convinced that I wanted to be one, but as I grow older I’m beginning to question if I really know what it means.
In the process of putting this video together, I saw myself through my mother’s eyes. The images portray a seemingly happy childhood, but my mind couldn’t help wondering about all the things she gave up just to be there.
As I watched, I kept thinking of all the job opportunities she had turned down to take care of me. She studied Business Administration, but she is particularly good at Public Relations. All the places she didn’t get a chance to go so she wouldn’t miss school events. Meetings, trips, maybe her favorite concert. All the people she didn’t have time to see simply because she was with me.
There were probably times she had to come up with a lighthearted story while she was dealing with something bigger. Times she would have to hold back tears so I didn’t notice she felt like crying. Times she had to put up a smile so I wouldn’t be hurt. And I kept asking myself, do I have it in me? How do you keep your child safe while maintaining a romantic relationship, a family bond, a social circle, a successful professional career and stay sane, all at the same time?
I see these images and I can tell I was happy. But I wonder, was she happy? I guess the only thing that I’m certain of is that it didn’t really matter to her, because she loved me. She really loved me and that was always more important than anything else.
Transcript
On this Mother’s Day I wanted to make a video for you, because today we’re apart from each other and in the midst of a pandemic. But as I looked through the footage, I realized it was mostly always you who was behind the camera. Behind me, and my pets, my friends, my little ego. Behind every mess, every craving, all the hobbies that didn’t last and the dreams that once felt distant.
Thank you for being the best host, the best friend and secret keeper. But more than anything, thank you for being the best mom. For always finding a way to be close. For all your time and all your days. For all the craziness and all the patience. For being my unconditional cheerleader. For believing in me, especially when I didn’t. For being ever-present, in the small victories and the big defeats. For teaching me to start over. And over, and over again. Making sure I knew you love me, even if I ended up in second place.
Thank you for accepting me for who I am. For never asking me to change. For making me part of something bigger. For taking care of me, my dogs, all the crazy men in our family. For teaching me how to fight for what I want and the art of persistence. For organizing vacations, christmases, new years, all our birthdays. For making our time together tangible. For those huge bangs and the nineties look. For always making me feel pretty, even in darkness. For all the love and all your magic. Thank you for sharing your life, with me.
May 10th, 2020
Este Día de las Madres quise hacerte un video, porque hoy vivimos lejos y en medio de una pandemia. Pero al buscar imágenes tuyas, me di cuenta que casi siempre eras tú la que estaba detrás de la cámara. Detrás de mí, de mis mascotas, de mis amigas, de mi ego. De todos mis desastres, de los antojos, de los pasatiempos que duraron poco y de los sueños que alguna vez se sintieron lejos.
Gracias por ser la mejor anfitriona, la mejor amiga y cómplice. Pero más que nada, gracias por ser la mejor mamá. Por siempre encontrar la manera de estar cerca. Por todo tu tiempo y todos tus días. Por toda la locura y toda la paciencia. Por ser mi porrista incondicional. Por creer en mí, incluso cuando yo dejé de hacerlo. Por estar presente siempre, en las pequeñas victorias y las grandes derrotas. Por enseñarme a volver a empezar, una y otra vez. Asegurándote que supiera que me quieres siempre, aunque quede en segundo lugar.
Gracias por aceptarme como soy. Por nunca pedirme que cambie. Por hacerme parte de algo más grande. Por cuidar de mí, de mis perros, de los hombres locos de nuestra familia. Por enseñarme a luchar por lo que quiero y el arte de persistir. Por organizar vacaciones, navidades, años nuevos, todos nuestros cumpleaños. Por hacer tangible nuestro tiempo. Por ese fleco y la moda noventera. Por siempre hacerme sentir bonita, hasta en la oscuridad. Por todo el amor y toda tu magia. Gracias por compartir tu vida, conmigo.
10 de mayo, 2020
